loveeALWAYS

2011-02-14T01:02:00.000+11:00

You know that feeling you get when you realise that you didn't miss out on anything at all? When you finally have it figured out that ridding yourself of an emotionally damaging toxic relationship was quite possibly the best thing that could have ever happened to you? I've been spending some time just thinking about how things have turned out, and more importantly, where I've ended up. I think it's safe to say that I am probably the happiest than I have been in years. And for that I'm glad. Words can't describe exactly how grateful I am for completely detaching myself from what was making me unhappy. And I can't tell you how great it feels to say that I have found someone to share my life with who is everything I could have ever asked for, and more.

It means so much to me, knowing that I've not only found someone I can depend on through the good and the bad, but also knowing that he's also my best friend in the whole world. I honestly cannot imagine what an emotional trainwreck I would be without this amazing person by my side, guiding me along the entire way.

So thanks baby, don't forget Tom Walkerden, that you're not just my boyfriend. You are my best friend! And I love you to the ends of the world and back again. Happy Valentines Day, thanks for making me the happiest girl in the world :)

2010-12-01T15:30:00.002+11:00

The strangest thing that I've learnt over the years is that as you get older, the more you realise the few real friends you've really got. There is so much scum in the world, but you really have to sift through all the bullshit that everybody feeds you in order to find the real gems who will stay by your side forever. It's just really funny, you look back and wonder how on earth it was possible that at some point in your life you ever had anything to do with this person. How much things have changed. How much they've changed. But most importantly, how much you've changed.

I've finally figured it out, and am completely and utterly happy with where I've ended up. It's not easy, realising that the people who you thought were your friends are more than happy to stab you in the back as soon as they can. Know what the best part of it is though? That I don't need you. Yes, I'm sure there are an incredible amount of people who are more than happy to agree with you about the fact that I'm a nasty bitch. But the truth is, I have enough friends without having someone hang around me only when it's convenient for themselves. Only when there's nobody else around paying you any attention. And I know you. You're one of the ones who is always looking over my shoulder for someone else to come along. Waiting for someone more interesting so you can play the abandon game as soon as possible.

I hate to say this, but you're an immature brat. Always have been, always will be.

Goodbye.

2010-11-19T00:32:00.001+11:00

Hello freedom!
Mister sunshine, please come and ravish me hehe :)

2010-11-12T16:08:00.002+11:00

I hate essays :(
I hate uni.
I really do not want to do this any longer.
I feel as though I am wasting my time.
And for what?
The future seems so uncertain right about now.
And all this studying and assessments that we are doing?
Pointless.
Haha I sound so depressed.

I can't wait for all of this to be over so I can enjoy the beautiful summer.
It's starting to feel more and more like summer :)
Sitting in the sun with a cigarette and a cold beverage, that's what summer is made of.
I can't wait to enjoy it with everyone who means anything to me.

Actually, I'm looking forward to this year ending
It hasn't been a very good year as far as everything goes.
For myself and the people around me.
Here's to a better year next year.
But thanks to the people who have stuck by me through everything.
Especially Emily, Monnie and Bee.
Oh and Tom, you've definitely been the highlight of my year.

Lovelove!

♥

2010-11-11T23:46:00.000+11:00

You are such a fucking lowlife! I feel as though everything that I pride myself on being, the person who I thought I was because of you, I feel as though all of that was just a lie. It's like I don't even know who I am all of a sudden. It's as though the last two years was all a lie. It's the worst feeling in the world. And I know that no matter what I do or what anyone says to me, it's going to take a while for me to get over this.

You are scum of the earth.
The worst kind.
You are a filthy fucking liar with no regard for anybody but yourself.
You have no heart.
And want to know the saddest part about all of this?
This is how you wanted it.
You decided this.
You are going to die lonely because you have no capacity to love or care about anybody.

At one stage in my life, I was willing to give you everything. I trusted you. I feel so fucking stupid for letting myself get so caught up in you that I forgot myself. That I forgot to trust my gut instinct. And what did I get out of it? I realise now (too late) that you are not the person I thought you were.

Know what else? You need to learn to grow up. Are you aware that only 5 year olds throw tantrums when they don't get what they want? I know this, I can handle it buddy. I work with kids. So you can shove all those false promises and lies up your ass. I don't regret knowing you because I've learnt so much and grown so much as a person. But for all the times you hurt me, and all the times I forgave you and pretended it didn't matter, here's a big FUCK YOU. Done&dusted. God I feel empowered.

I'm not your little plaything you can fuck around with. What on earth made you think that I'd be willing to drop everything and come running to you? It is never going to happen again. I am in a much happier place than I have ever been in the last two years. My boyfriend is too wonderful to me, and he makes me the happiest girl in the world :) thankyou so much thomas alexander walkerden for being mine!

Lovelove!

You're driving me crazy, you're looking amazing

2010-11-08T20:32:00.004+11:00

Reading old blog entries makes me miss this. Makes me wonder when I started getting too busy for it. When I started feeling like I was too old for this. It's funny actually, reading back and realising how silly and naive I once was. But at the same time, knowing that at some stage, once upon a time, I felt so much. Yes it's upsetting, and maybe the past should just be left there, but I think I like knowing that I've come so far from where I was. In a few years time, I want to be able to come back and read all of this. And remember how it used to be. How I used to be.

It's kind of funny that I've decided to start up blogging again, right in the middle of exams. This is probably my newest way to procrastinate. I quit Forever New cause Amanda left and got replaced by Jade. But then Jade quit so that was kind of gay. If only I had waited out one more month. But all good, need to keep moving forwards in life otherwise you'd never get anywhere. Am currently a casual for Betts Kids in Burwood Westfields. It's kind of great actually, I love working with kids. It's a nice change of pace.

This year so far has been a crazy one. I feel like I've been through a crazy emotional rollercoaster ride, but I came out of it stronger than ever. It's kind of funny actually, how you can think that you're at the peak of your emotions, that you could never feel anything quite like that again. And then all of a sudden it's gone. And it was so easy to let go of it. And looking back, I realise just how utterly naive I was.

You know you made the wrong choice when you look back and the bad outweigh the good. Sad to say, that's what it was with you Thomas. But you know what? You helped me figure out who I am, and made me realise that I deserve so much better. That I deserve the best. Someone who goes above and beyond for me. Someone who is always looking out for me.

I will never regret any of the time we spent together, nor will I regret ever having felt that strongly about you. It's nice to know that at some point in my life, we thought we loved each other so much that nothing could tear us apart. But I know better now. It's nice knowing that someone loved me that much. Wanted to be with me that much. I will never ever forget that.

I finally figured out who my real friends are this year. And although there may not be many, they are incredibly beautiful people both inside and out who I would do absolutely anything for. And I know that I can count on them to be there for me no matter what happens. They're the ones who truly matter in my life, and you know what else? I don't even care if nobody likes us because we actually are better than them. I don't care if this sounds arrogant or whatever but that's the way it is. Because the world is filled with so many fucking stupid people. Everyone feels the need to play a particular part to fit in with society, like they need to modify their personalities to make sure others like them. It's kind of pathetic actually. I'm glad that the people I care about are honest. Sometimes scathingly blunt, but hey, we're not going to sugarcoat what we think or say just so you feel better about yourself. Sorry bout it.

My boyfriend is a blessing. Tom makes me feel like the luckiest girl in the world. He is always there for me, always making sure that I'm okay, that I'm happy, before dealing with his own wants&needs. I don't think I tell him enough everyday how much I appreciate him and all the little things he does for me. Sure we've only known each other about three or four months, but it's amazing how one person entering your life can change everything. I think I've gotten to the point where I wouldn't know where I'd be without his constant cuddles&kisses. Without having him holding my hand and wiping my tears when I've had a rough day. Without being able to share all the laughs&smiles. He's such an amazing person and I wonder everyday how I managed to find someone who makes me so happy. Someone who stuck by me despite my ridiculous amount of emotional breakdowns, sat there listening to me, watching me cry and holding my hand the entire time. I don't know if you know just how special you are to me.

To sum this whole entry up; I changed jobs, I hate everyone except Emily, Monnie and Bee. And Tom is my favourite! :)

Love love!

2010-02-07T11:44:00.003+11:00

So I haven't blogged in a while.
I'm actually not too sure why that is.
I guess I don't tend to blog when everything is going perfectly smoothly.
And to be honest, nothing has gone wrong for me in a very long time.
My friends are great.
My boyfriend is the most amazing guy in the whole world.
And my parents are finally understanding that I need to make my own choices in life.

So my mum recently rediscovered that Thomas and I are still together.
She keeps attempting to give me lectures and tell me that it won't work.
But I think she's finally given up on trying to force me to do something that I don't want to.
I know it's hard for them to realise that I'm growing up and am absolutely capable of making my own decisions.
I know it's especially hard for them to accept the fact that I've chosen Thomas.
But nobody understands the way we work except for us.
All I know is that he treats me well and he's the sweetest, most perfect boy in the world for me and I wouldn't have it any other way.

So Big Day Out was two weeks ago, and I really have to say that it was fucking amazing.
Muse blew my mind.
I had so much fun with Emily and Justin.
The only thing was that it was so ridiculously hot and then all of a sudden it started raining.
I bought Thomas a Muse tee and sweatband :)
Then I wrote him a letter and developed some photos and mailed it all to him.
HEHEHEH! <3

Future is in a month.
I'm so excited!
I'm hoping that Thomas is able to sort out his stuff so he can fly down for Future and stay for a while with me.
I miss him lots :(
It's just not fair.

2010-01-21T23:24:00.004+11:00

I don't know what to do about anything anymore. The last two weeks have been something completely different, completely amazing, so special. I can't remember ever being that happy in my entire life. Thomas definitely makes my world go round and there's nothing that I wouldn't do for him. It's just so hard having to say goodbye and leave him without knowing for sure when we get to see each other again.

I haven't been able to stop myself from randomly bursting into tears all day. It's unhealthy for me to continue to dwell on it, I know this, but I just can't stop doing it. I wish things were easier for us. I wish that he wasn't so far away.

I love him so much.
Forever&ever.

I LOVE YOU ALL! <3

2009-12-16T22:18:00.002+11:00

I feel like the end of this year just suddenly crept up on us. It's ridiculous how much has happened in the past year. 2009 was an incredible year. I feel like I say this every year, but it's true because I really do feel like I've become stronger and more independent because of what has happened. So here goes, the annual end of year entry for the most special people of the year.

This year (well technically last I guess), I managed to find somebody who really really loves me. Someone who means the world to me. Someone who I would be willing to give up all my happiness here in Sydney for. That special someone, my boyfriend Tom has been amazing to me. Sure we've had our fair share of fights and disagreements. We've even had a short time apart to get our bearings. And I suppose in the end, that was what made me realise how much I loved him and how much I needed to be with him. I can't imagine myself being with anybody else now, and I love that feeling of warmth and security. I love him to the ends of the world and I wouldn't have it any other way.

My best friend Emily has been incredibly attentive and caring. She's always there for me no matter what. Through it all, she has definitely been the one person that I always knew that I could count on. And I'm so grateful to have a friend like her. There's nobody else out there quite like her, and I'm glad that out of all the people in the world, she picked me to be friends with. I love you to pieces darling. You're my favourite :D

The work girls. Fuck, what can I say. I really don't know how I would have gotten through this year without them. They are really what keeps me grounded. I've forged some amazing friendships because of work. And I am definitely not disappointed. They're all such a great group of girls, we're all so alike in so many different ways. And I know that if shit goes down, these beautiful girls have always got my back. Love you all so much!

Lauren, we've had a pretty good year babe. Thanks to you I've met a whole bunch of awesome new people (Bree, Alicia, Dave, Rainer, Todd, Hicks, the list goes on!). We can pretty much talk about anything and I'm so comfortable with you. Thanks for being such a good friend :) I can't wait for all the fun times ahead of us!

Dear dear lovely Justin. Gosh you have grown up from when we first met. You're so easy to talk to, and so sweet to me. Always there to lend a helping hand, always ready to listen when I've had a bad day, always willing to take me out for coffee when I just need a quick pick-me-up. You're great like that. Thanks for everythingggg! :)

And as always, mum, dad and Kevin. What would I do without you? Really! :)

Thanks for an amazing year. And here's to more good times ahead!

So much love and kisses :):)
xoxoxo

2009-11-10T22:05:00.002+11:00

I love you with all my heart and soul.
That's all there is to it.
I think if I couldn't have anything else in life right now than what I already do have, I wouldn't be upset at all.
I think I have everything (or rather, everybody) that I need right now.
I have a bunch of great friends who mean the world to me.
I have a boyfriend who would do anything for me.
I work with a group of amazing people.
And I know at the end of the day, my family will always be there for me.
Even when they threaten not to lol.
You've made me realise so many things.
I am who I am because of you.
I wouldn't be here without you babe.
I can't wait till I can see you again.
I miss you like crazy! :)

2009-11-05T14:51:00.002+11:00

When it's good, things are amazing.
I feel like I'm the only person on the planet who matters.
I feel like I'm the reason your world goes round.
That I'm the reason you wake up in the mornings.
But when it's bad, it's so cold.
So painful.
So lonely.
Everything with you always has been extremely erratic and intense.
And although there are times when I feel like I've been completely broken up into little pieces.
I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world.
Because I would never want to give up feeling this way about you.
Thankyou for making me realise this.
You are everything.
My world means nothing without you.

And at the end of the day, it doesn't matter what people say.
It's not about them.
There is nobody else out there who understands us.
And there is nobody else who understands me the way you do.
I love you for that.

2009-10-29T22:39:00.001+11:00

I don't know what's happening.
I hate when this happens.
It drives me insane.
I can't figure it out.
I get so anxious.
FML.

Also, you're a piece of shit.
And an absolute waste of space.
You're meant to be my friend.
Guess not.
Fuck you.

2009-10-25T00:06:00.003+11:00

I don't know how else to put this without sounding incredibly naive.
But I love you.
And always will.
Nobody could ever replace you.
I hope you know that babe.

I just sounded like the most pathetic loved up teenybopper in the world.
But hey, I mean it.
And that's what matters.
I think knowing and hearing about the things that some of my friends go through, makes me appreciate how much you mean to me.
And how important you really are to me.
And how I couldn't stand to lose you.

I love you so much Tom :)
You really are everything to me.

2009-10-22T11:22:00.002+11:00

You know what I realised?
That it's all lies.
All of it.
People never mean everything that they say.
There is nobody that you can always count on.
Because at the end of the day, they will always let you down.

I can't believe I let you get so deep under my skin.
So much that I don't know how else to be.
I don't know how else to be but yours.
I don't know who else to be but your girlfriend.
And now what?
Now I don't even know where I stand.
I don't know where we are.
I don't know what else to do.
But lie aimlessly in bed and hope that it all goes away.
And hope for the best.
Hope that everything will be better.
It's not meant to be this difficult.

I'm not so sure you're aware of just how hard I try.
I try so hard to be perfect for you.
I try so hard to be what you want.
But it's times like these when I don't know if that's enough.

2009-10-21T22:24:00.002+11:00

It doesn't matter how many times I say it.
It doesn't matter how many times you hear it.
It doesn't change anything does it?

Nothing matters anymore.
It's such a trivial thing too.
Some days it's good.
So good that people will wonder why I'm so happy.
Others I can't get out of bed.
I won't.
I would rather lie around doing absolutely nothing than have to face the world.
Than have to put on a smile and pretend that everything's okay.
Because it's not okay.
And I don't know what to do or say to make it better for you.
For us.
Because you won't let me.
All I ever wanted was to be with you.
Why is it so hard?

2009-10-19T01:18:00.001+11:00

I like it when things are nice.
It makes me realise that it's all been worth it.
And it always is.
That's always been the way that I love you.
:)

2009-10-14T01:36:00.002+11:00

Did you know, that without you around I'm lost?
It sounds so pathetic.
But without you, I'm not really here.
I'm just drifting around.
Passing time until I'm with you again.
It's kind of sad isn't it?

The past week I've done quite a bit of thinking and soul searching.
And I've realised something.
That we try so hard not to get hurt everytime we get into a relationship.
When one ends we tell ourselves that no matter what, we will not let our guard down.
That we will be smarter, and stronger, and not be so vulnerable.
That we will try to not fall as hard next time.
And we kid ourselves into thinking that we can do this.
That we know what we're doing to protect ourselves from this happening again.
That we won't let the next person get so deep under our skin and into our being.

And then you meet somebody.
Somebody who's even lovelier and sweeter than you could possibly imagine.
And this person makes you feel like the most special girl (or boy) in the world.
The next thing you know, you've fallen way too hard, too fast.
And there's absolutely nothing you can do to stop it.
Not that you want to.
Then you realise that you've done exactly what you said you wouldn't.
And when it's good, it's fucking amazing.
But when it's bad, it tears you apart.
Like every fibre of your being is being ripped up inside.
And there's a gaping hole inside of you that can't be fixed unless they come back to you.
Because you know you can't be complete without them.

Or maybe that's just me.
And you.

Sometimes I don't think you know the things I've given up for you.
The things that I've lost for you.
The friendships that have broken because I stood by you.
Because I love you.
And I guess you can say that real friends would be there through the thick and thin.
And you're right.
But I've lost so much in the past year.
So much of myself that I know I will never get back.
But it's okay, because I've had you by my side.

Nothing makes sense when you're not around babe.
I've never been more sure about anything in my life.
I hope you know that.

2009-10-12T20:09:00.001+11:00

It's not fair.
I don't know what I'm doing anymore.
I feel like I don't even know you.
I feel like I don't know who we are.
I feel like I don't know where I stand in this relationship.
If it's just a label.
Because right now, that feels like the only thing holding us together.
I don't want it to be this way.
I love you so much.
I can't imagine life without you.

2009-10-08T12:02:00.003+11:00

It scares me that I don't know what's wrong anymore.
I feel like I'm stuck in a self destructive cycle.
You say you're not mad, but you won't talk to me.
I don't know what to do.
I want to fix it.
Please tell me how.
You know I would do anything for you.

Don't leave

2009-10-06T03:54:00.002+11:00

I do not understand what just happened.
It's still swirling around in my head.
That entire fight.
That whole conversation.
I'm still trying to wrap my head around it.

It's been an entire year since we first met.
Since we started dating.
And I've loved you the entire time.
But you know what, the fights don't get any easier.
I just wish we wouldn't.
And I'm sorry for overreacting.
It's just really hard being without you.
And I wish so much that I could be where you are always.
If life was fair, I would spend every waking moment by your side.
That's how much I want to be with you.

It just scares me now, the things you're saying.
I don't think I could bear it if you left me.
I know it's not easy.
And I know it's a huge thing for me to ask of you.
And ultimately, it is your decision.
But I just hope you care about me enough to be willing to wait for me to finish uni before I join you.
I know it's not fair.
But it's just as hard for me as it is for you.
I just want you to know that I'm trying the hardest I can to be the best that I can for you.
Because you're everything that I've ever wanted.
I don't think there is anybody who could take your place in my heart.
And that's saying quite a lot.
There's nobody else I would rather be with.

Please don't leave me.

2009-10-02T20:01:00.002+10:00

It never ceases to amaze me just how fucking shit people can be sometimes.
You either get the ones who are just horrible for absolutely no reason, purely just because they can.
Or you get the ones who don't even know that they're doing it.
And you know what?
Those are the ones who hurt you the most.
Fuck.

Sure, I'm totally used to having to deal with unreasonable people at work.
But it gets to a point where I really do not know what to say without offending you.
I do not want to get fired for doing my job and telling you what's right.
Like today, I had this lady come into work asking for an exchange.
That's all well and good, but she didn't have her receipt with her.
When I refused and said it was company policy that we couldn't exchange without proof of purchase, she started getting really rude.
Asking to speak to "the manager" (who was standing right next to me) and telling me that I had to do it.
I mean, if I've told you we can't do anything if you don't have proof of purchase, what makes you think that the manager will tell you anything fucking different?
Hell, you can even ring up fucking Head Office in fucking Melbourne and they will just tell you the same fucking thing.
Arghhhh.
It just makes me so fucking annoyed that people can be so bloody dumb and shit sometimes.

And then there's that other person who doesn't even know that they're being a shit human being.
They think that whatever they're doing or saying is completely normal.
Completely justified.
No you cunt, it is not.
Not when you don't even speak to me.
When you fucking brush me off every single time I try to talk to you.
When you say things you don't mean.
I HATE YOU SO MUCH RIGHT NOW!

Thank god that I've got Tom to keep me grounded.
I don't know what I'd do without him.
Love you Thomas :)

Lots of love for Tom's 22nd (:

2009-09-30T17:56:00.003+10:00

Today is Tom's 22nd birthday.
I love him very much.
I just wanted to express just how much he means to me.

The past year that we've known each other, and been together has been one hell of a ride.
Sure we've had our many ups and downs.
And most definitely had our fair share of fights.
But I'm glad to say that we managed to get through them and most importantly, stay together.
It's come to that point where I don't think I could be the same person without you.
Being with you has helped me in so many different ways.
And changed the kind of person that I used to be into who I am today.
And maybe a year ago, this wouldn't have been the type of person I wanted to become.
But I can with all sincerity and honesty say that I have never been happier than I am now.
For that, I have to thank you.
You have helped me grow so much as a person, emotionally and intellectually.
I feel as though I have reached a stage in my life where I am at complete peace with myself.
There is nothing more that I could ask for right now (except for you to be back here with me).

You are one of the most amazing people I have ever known.
And it doesn't matter that other people don't see it.
Or understand it.
At the end of the day, all that matters is that I am, and always will be here for you.
I know it's been hard for both of us, but especially you.
I'm just glad that you've decided to stay.
I wouldn't know how to be without you.
I wouldn't know where I would be today without you.
And I don't know what kind of person I would be if I hadn't met you.
But I'm glad that I have.
Because you complete me.
That's all there is to it.

Happy 22nd birthday sweetheart.
Nothing else means more to me than you do.
I love you :)

2009-09-28T22:30:00.002+10:00

Haven't updated in so long.
Maybe I'm growing out of this whole blogging thing.
I've sure been doing it a long time.
But I don't think I'll be able to just forget about it.
It's become such a huge part of myself that it's impossible to let go of.

So all that's happened in the past couple of months has been one hell of a ride.
I've been through some pretty hectic things.
Some very tough times.
And dealt with so many different types of people.
But in the end, I chose the one who really mattered.
The one who really cared.
The one who is right for me.
And I hope, always will be.

Sure, I was shocked at just how much you had gotten to me.
And yes I was quite upset at the numerous nasty things you said to me.
I didn't think we had to come to this.
The whole time, you made me feel like I wasn't worthy.
When in actual fact, I was being nothing but honest with you.
It just wasn't meant to be this way.
And I shouldn't have had to feel like that.
Nobody deserves to be treated like that.
And nobody deserves to feel like that.
It's the most horrible thing in the world.

But there's nothing more that I want in the world, than my lovely boyfriend.
You complete me Tom.
And I can't think of my life without you.
You're the most amazing person in the world.
And with you, I feel like I can fly.
You're the only person who has ever made me feel this free.
This happy with myself.
I don't think anybody has ever succeeded in completely bringing me out of my inner shell.
Except for you.
And for that, I will forever be yours :)

2009-09-20T23:41:00.001+10:00

Defqon1 was the best fucking day of my life!
I don't think there will ever be anything that will top it.
It has literally changed my life.
And the way I listen to music.
Woooooo!
Will upload photos very soon.
:D:D

Still wish Tom had been able to be here to experience it all with me though.

2009-09-15T22:06:00.001+10:00

I am so sick of feeling like this all the time.
I don't know how to fix it.
I'm tired of doing this.
But I don't know how to make it better.
Why won't you just come back to me?

2009-09-13T12:43:00.002+10:00

You know, it doesn't get any easier.
I don't think it ever will.
I know that there's nobody else I'd rather be with right now.
But it is physically, mentally and emotionally exhausting.
There are days (like today) when I just don't feel like myself.
When I don't know what I'm doing or where I'm going.
But more importantly, where we're going to end up.

Sometimes it's like you don't even care what happens to us.
It's like all this means nothing to you.
Like I'm nobody.
And all this, it's just a label.
Just something that's keeping us together cause that's the way it's always been.
Not because you want to.
Like a comfy pair of jeans that you've grown too attached to and can't bear to throw out.
And that kind of scares me.
I really hope that's not the case.
I really hope I'm just overthinking right now.
I really hope that I'm fucking wrong.
For once in my life, I want to be wrong about you.
I don't know if you know just how much I love you.
And how I would die without you.

2009-09-06T01:32:00.001+10:00

I try really hard, did you know that? I try to be everything that you want, everything that you think that I am. But sometimes I don't know if that's enough. Lately I've been pondering about whether or not just being me is good enough. Whether or not this will see us through. Waiting an entire year for you may well be the hardest thing that I've had to do in my life thus far. But that's always been the way that I love you... Do you have any idea how hard it is to love you? It is physically and emotionally draining. I can't lose you, it would absolutely tear me apart.

But just promise me one thing? That's all I ask. Promise you'll come back for me, that you won't leave me behind. Because I honestly wouldn't know where I'd be without you babe.

2009-09-02T21:06:00.002+10:00

Don't have much time for anything these days.
It's either uni or work.
Every day that I'm not at uni, I'm working at Towers.
It's actually really fucking exhausting.
I don't even have time to study or do my readings and assessments.
Because I get home and just want to crash on my bed.
It gets so bad that I sleep in so often that I've missed way too many tutes.
Argh.
I can't even remember being at uni these days.
It's so bad.

I miss Tom :(

2009-08-29T10:26:00.002+10:00

Come back to me. I miss you so much darling :( Tom's been gone a week now, I haven't been able to speak to him since he's gone camping with his mates. It doesn't get any easier.

Em, Kalin and I are planning our summer holidays already. We want to go on a cruise in about mid January or February. I'm excited! :) just need to find a relatively cheap one that goes around the South Pacific. Can't wait till summer now!

I love my friends. And I love my boyfriend!

2009-08-26T19:41:00.002+10:00

It's only been three nights since I've spoken to Tom :(
And I feel like it's been forever.
I don't know what to do when he's not around.
It's a really horrible feeling.
I miss him.

And I'm exhausted.
Working tomorrow night, as well as Friday and Saturday.
Then Saturday night is Jen's 21st.
I don't think I'll stay out very late though.
Who knows, I'll probably change my mind haha.
Then I'm going to dedicate all of Sunday and maybe some of Monday to finishing my english essay.
Oh joy.

2009-08-26T08:03:00.002+10:00

I really do not know what to do about this whole Tom wanting to travel with me next year thing. He wants me to take a year off Uni and go travel the world with him. It's kind of come as a shock, just like him leaving Sydney for Dunk Island was at first. It almost seems like he makes sudden decisions whenever it suits him best. He's so erratic, but I suppose that's part of why I love him so much. I really am scared for what's to come, that I don't know what could happen. And I wish I had the freedom to just get up and walk out on my life right now to spend next year in the company of my amazing boyfriend, but I know that there's no way in hell I'll ever be able to do something that spontaneous.

It's too early to be thinking about this. I'm sitting on a bus on my way to uni right now. Meant to be doing my english and gcst readings but I really just can't be fucked ay lol.

I miss my boyfriend :(

2009-08-24T21:52:00.003+10:00

Saturday night was Jess' 21st at her house.
It was themed 80s Prom.
It was really really good fun.
Lovely to see people dressed up and getting shitfaced.
I had oodles of fun with my FN girls.
Love them all.
And Jess is the prettiest Prom Queen I have ever seen! :)
These are my pick of the photos.

Anyway, worked today.
Even though I had a day off from Uni.
Because Amanda was sick this morning and was throwing up.
And Roseanne needed me otherwise it would have just been her in the store.
I'm exhausted.
Work tomorrow as well.
I need something to look forward to.
Right now it's Jen's 21st.
Other than that, I really don't feel like there's anything.
Especially not since Tom has gone.

We talked last night and he wants me to go travel with him next year.
Take a gap year from Uni and just travel the world.
And while I would absolutely love to do that, it's just a really hard decision to make.
Because doing that would pretty much mean disowning my parents.
And I can't just walk out on my family.
It's just not fair that I have to choose between the most important people in my life and the love of my life.
I can't do it.

But I'm scared that if I don't, I'll lose him to the world.
I'll lose him and he won't be the same person he was when he left me.
That he'll find something or someone who is much more wonderful than I am.
Long distance is a really hard thing to do, I know that for a fact.
And I'm definitely not that keen on trying it all over again.
I just really don't know what to do :(

Don't leave me sweetie.
You are my world.

In other news, Em and I want to hold a NYE party.
A house party because I miss house parties.
And because I had so much fun at Jess' on 21st, a themed one!
Although currently we don't really have a place to hold it.
Anybody with suggestions is urged to come forward and let us know at once! :)
It'll be good fun, I promise!
I just can't wait to go shopping for an outfit.
Yaaaaay!

2009-08-20T23:11:00.002+10:00

I love my boyfriend.
That is all for tonight :)
Miss him.
Hope he really does come to visit next Monday.
Said he might.
Would be so great if he did.
He's so lovely to me!

2009-08-17T20:05:00.002+10:00

Unbelievable.
Just really.
I can't even put into words the way I feel right now.
It's just not fucking fair.
The way you're treating me.
I know you don't owe me anything.
Least of all an explanation.
But I suppose I can just say that I expected more.
Such is life though right?
Can't have everything.
I just don't like having to accept that this is it.
Is it?

2009-08-16T20:14:00.002+10:00

So I'm normally not a very big fan of Chuck, ie. Ed Westwick because I don't think he's very attractive at all. But this photo of him and Leighton Meester together is just pure sex. Love love love it.

Nothing to complain about today. Lol except for the lameness of Uni these days. Oh! And I got my hair cut. It's actually kind of short. I'm scared I don't like it. I'm still a little bit unsure about it and getting used to being able to see more of my face. It's so strange. I guess it'll grow on me. It's nice though, a little bit of a change now and again. Especially with summer coming up and everything. I can't wait for summer and the beach!

Kalin, Em and I are planning to go away to the Gold Coast for the summer holidays. Kalin's become like part of us, he's such a sweetie. Initially, I was going to go visit Tom in Cairns or wherever he is. But I think that idea is over now. Especially because he's saying he might not even be around cause might be elsewhere. I don't know, whatever I guess. So Kalin, Em and I will prob just go to the Gold Coast in January when it's really the middle of summer and when Schoolies period is over. Except Kalin and Em might bring Judy and Justin. So lol. I'm so lonelyyyyy! :( Though probably bring Lauren because was going to go away with her anyway. Yaaay!

In other news, I really really really want to go to Defqon1. It was meant to be all decided that Tom was going to come back for a weekend in September for Defqon, but now he's changed his mind. Fucking hell. Now I have to find other people to go with. Not to mention try and save up enough money soon to get my own ticket. FML.

Fuck I miss my boyfriend.
This is so fucking shit.

2009-08-14T23:34:00.002+10:00

Sometimes I wish my life would just calm the fuck down.
I'm so sick of all this drama.
I'm so done with feeling like this all the time.
I wish things would just be stable.
Calm.
Lovely.

I miss you Tom :(
You were the only thing that was keeping me sane before.
Now I don't even have that.
Wish you'd hurry up and come back to me.

2009-08-12T20:42:00.002+10:00

I do not understand how people can just suddenly become like that.
I have no fucking clue what happened last night.
It pretty much just hit me out of nowhere and knocked me senseless.

But it proved that I was wrong about you.
I thought you were a nice guy.
One of the few decent ones.
And I was happy to just leave it.
Because I hoped for better for you.
I wanted you to find somebody who deserved you.
Someone who made you happy.
I really did.

But you know what?
I will not fucking stand to have you make up lies about me.
If you have issues you feel like you need to sort out with me, speak to me directly about it.
Don't make things up and think that it won't come back and bite you in the ass.

And I hated being that girl.
The one who was never good enough for you.
The one you were only mucking around with.
Guess what though, it's you who didn't deserve me.
It's you who isn't good enough for me.
It's you who needs to stop fucking making up lies about me.
And fucking confront me if you have a problem.
I refuse to let you win this.

2009-08-09T20:23:00.002+10:00

I cannot believe how unbelievable some people are.
I was merely being friendly.
That does not mean some small part of me still pines for you.
Get over yourself.
Damn fucking straight there has obviously been a misunderstanding.
That you're fucking wrong.
I do not want you back.
I have not even given that any thought ever.
Sorry, but just because you're attractive, doesn't mean that everyone wants a piece of you.
Sure that may have been the case this time last year.
But don't forget, life goes on.
And you're the one who left the fucking country.
So I did move on and find someone even more wonderful than you could ever hope to be.
Arrogant bastard.
Goodbye!

2009-08-09T01:24:00.002+10:00

Had a nice chilled out night out with Lauren.
She's such a sweetie.
We were planning to have dinner at GPK first and then head over to the Hillside, but there were so many people.
Ah well, we had a nice chat at the Hillside though.
We're planning to go to QLD when uni finishes for like a week or so.
I'm excited!
And so I can visit Tom ofcourse :)
Miss him, his phone died on me just as he picked up tonight, how upsetting.
Love him though yay!
Life is swell :)
More tomorrow, off to do some ANHS reading before bed.

Much love kiddies!

2009-08-08T13:21:00.002+10:00

Tonight I'm going out for dinner with my lovely Lauren at Towers.
GPK and then we're heading to the Hillside for drinks.
Love her :)
I'm excited.
Hopefully it's a good night.
But it'll just be a nice chilled out night I think.
Nothing too drastic.

The FN dinner has been postponed for a week or two because everyone seems to be busy with other things.
But that's okay!
Soon.
The girls from work are some of my best friends.
I've just realised that we're all just a group of misfits.
Maybe that's why we're all such good friends haha.
Because we all have so much drama going on in our lives.

2009-08-05T22:47:00.002+10:00

This is my new favourite song right now! :)

Lovers Electric are just so fucking awesome. I can't stop playing it over and over again. I'm waiting for Saturday to come, so I can head out for dinner at GPK and drinks at the Hillside with my gorgeous FN girls. Love them so much, wouldn't know what to do without them!

2009-08-03T18:32:00.003+10:00

I sit around sometimes, wondering what I'm doing with myself these days.
It's like I'm not really here.
Like everything that goes on, just passes me by.
Because none of it is important to me without having you here.
And I realise I sound like every other neglected teenager out there, but maybe that's exactly what I am.
I should have grown out of this angsty teen stuff by now.
But everything just keeps getting all the more complicated as I get older.
Older but definitely none the wiser.

I miss you.
Don't think I've ever missed anybody as much.
Right now I'm just waiting for this semester to be over.
So I can come and visit you for a bit.
And then you'll come back to Sydney and be with me.
That just about sums up everything I want right now.
Just you.
Always has been.

I love you.

2009-07-29T12:00:00.001+10:00

so it was my 19th on saturday. Got so shitfaced that I think at one point I couldn't even see. Somehow ended up at verandah instead of laundry. It sucked. Never again! Photos up on fb.

I'm so ready for all this drama to just stop.
I don't want to be here anymore.
I just want to stop hurting so much inside.
I want it to end.
But I know that it's just all inside my head, slowly eating away at me.
It's not fair that this has to happen.
That it has to be this way.
But nobody ever said life or love was fair right?

2009-07-24T01:44:00.002+10:00

To be honest, I really didn't think anybody could be that pathetic.
Do you not have anything better to fucking do with your life than stir shit up?
Fucking hell.
I cannot believe that anybody would even do something like that.
It's just not funny at all, not something that I would ever wish on anybody, even if I disliked them incredibly.

Is that the only way you can get attention from boys sweetheart?
By getting into their locked rooms and mucking around with their private lives?
You're lucky I'm not there in fucking Queensland where you are, or I would fucking smash your face in.
But I hope my boyfriend does that for me you dumb slut.

I hope you die, you nasty bitch.
You deserve to be shot.

2009-07-22T22:27:00.002+10:00

I love my boyfriend soooo much!
I don't know what I'm meant to do without him for six months.
But I'm going to try my hardest because he's worth that.
Had to work today, of all days.
Sigh.

But definitely going to enjoy Saturday night when I pop out and get messy with my friends.
The girls from FN Towers and Parra are also coming.
I'm excited.
It should be good fun.
The only thing that could make it better would be if Tom was here spending it with me.
But he's not :(
It's okay though, I'll get to see him very soon.
Once the semester is over, I'm going to fly up there to visit him.

Fuck I miss Tom :(
Life feels so numb and empty without having him here with me :(

In other news, Uni starts again next Monday.
Lucky for me, I'm only attending three days a week.
Yaaaay!
More time for work, making money, saving up so I can move out when Tom comes back.
Hehe! I love him so much!

2009-07-19T22:41:00.003+10:00

This time last year, I must have been in almost this exact same situation.
But this time it feels so much more real.
Everything else happening has hit me so much harder than it did last time.
Things with my parents did cool down for a little bit recently, but just tonight we got into a bit of an argument and then we talked about my moving out.
Mum was being quite nasty about it, so I told her not to worry cause I'd be out of her way soon enough.
I can prove that you're worth this.
That I'm yours and you are mine.
That I am old enough to make my own decisions.

I'm just waiting for uni to start up again, so time will fly right past us.
And you'll be back here with me in no time.
From tomorrow, I'm going to miss you every single day you're gone for the next six months.
But I know you knew that already :)
I just thought I'd let you know again, so you don't forget it while I'm not there with you.
You're the sweetest, and I wouldn't trade you for anything in the world.
I love you.

2009-07-15T18:33:00.001+10:00

This feels like last year all over again.
I'm not looking forward to it.
I love you so much it hurts.
Going to miss you incredibly.

The saddest part about you leaving?
Even if it is only for six months.
It's losing part of myself.
Don't make me wait too long..

2009-07-08T23:19:00.002+10:00

I hate people.
So fucking much.
People are so fucking rude all the time.
So fucking irritating.
I can't stand it.
I think working in retail also makes me a moody bitch all the time as well.
I'm just sick of dealing with so much shit.

In other news, I'm looking forward to my birthday.
Thinking of having it at Dragonfly in the Cross :)
I'm excited!
I've picked out my dress already!
And probably looking at the 24th of this month to have it.
So on the Sunday before Uni starts I can head to Gosford for Aimee's birthday.
We had a work training meeting tonight that was about two hours long.
We spent most of it mucking around, eating lollies and cracking jokes.
It was a paid meeting lol.
I love the girls so much!

Anyway, should be off to bed.
I sleep so early these nights.
I'm exhausted from working so much.
Work again tomorrow night.
Arghhhhhhh :(

Ps. Why have you dropped off the face of the earth Steven?

2009-07-06T21:46:00.002+10:00

Saturday night was Tam's farewell at The Fiddler.
I finished work and Aimee and I hung out at my place for a bit.
Then we got ready and headed over to Roseanne's to meet the rest of the FN girls and then go out for dinner.
We got to The Fiddler, which is this really kind of country style tavern place.
And I swear everybody there must have been in their 30s or something.
It was so gross.
At least I got to be with my girls though.
And Zen was there too.
I had a good time with the girls, like I always do.
They're gorgeous.
I'm going to miss Tam so so so so much! :(
But I know Lindsay's going to take good care of her when they go travel to Europe and get married.
They're super cute! :)

Work pretty much every single day this week.
My feet are tired.
Must not wear heeled boots to work ever again.
Though that's what I said last time and I did it again today lol.

Photos from Saturday night :)
Love the girls so much!

2009-07-03T23:32:00.002+10:00

I am so fucking exhausted.
And so stressed, you have no idea.
Been working everyday this week except for Wednesday.
I feel like I have constant PMS due to my erratic mood swings.
One second I'm completely fine, and the next I'm sitting here bursting into tears.
I don't know what's wrong with me.
Everything's just starting to become too much right now.
And I don't think I have the strength to get through it.

Wednesday night with Jasey&Emily at Max Brenner was nice though.
We kind of just caught up and had a nice chat.
Em decided she had too much chocolate so we moved to Nandos after a bit lol.
Daisy didn't end up coming cause she had some Fort St gathering of some sort.
Meh.

Tomorrow night should be fun.
Hopefully.
I'm going out to the Fiddler with the girls from work.
Tam is leaving us! :(
She's going to travel Europe with her fiance.
I hope she has fun.
So we're having a bit of a farewell with her.
Why does everybody leave me :(
So upsetting.

I really need some me time I think.
Or maybe not.
Maybe me time is exactly the reason why I am like this right now.
Because I'll sit around on my own doing absolutely nothing.
And think about stupid things that upset me.
And then I cry.
Fuck, I'm such a pathetic piece of crap.
I wish I wasn't grounded so I could go out with friends and have some good nights out getting absolutely trashed.
Soon though.
My 19th is coming up, so I'm looking forward to that.
I'm just going to head out with some friends and have a good night I think.
I really need that right now.
~~I really need you right now.~~

2009-07-01T00:00:00.001+10:00

I hate when things go bad.
And I can't fix it.
I hate it so fucking much.

2009-06-30T00:51:00.003+10:00

Was sitting outside earlier, thinking about you.
Wishing you were there with me.
Like you have been before.
I miss that.
I want to make it better..

Anyway, worked all day today.
Fucking exhausted.
Working tomorrow as well.
The only day I'm not working this week is Wednesday.
Fuck, but this means more money for me.
I think I must be working more than 30 hours this week.
Thank baby Jesus for that! :)
Which means I will make close to 600$ in next week's paycheck.
Hell fucking yes.
Also, I have my Parklife ticket!! :)
I'm so excited, need to pay Davo back.
And need to work out what's happening with Defqon as well, whether or not I have to get my own ticket.
Sigh, why do things have to be so complicated for.

I'm excited to see Lauren on Wednesday and the girls at Max Brenner that night.
Should be nice to see them all again.
I feel like I've been cut off from the world for too long.
I miss going out.
I had all these plans for the holidays and now they're ruined.
Cause I'm stuck at home.
But it's my own fault.
I completely deserve it I think :(
My life is a dark abyss wahwahwah haha.

Should probably go to bed soon.
It's nearing 1am and I start work at 9am tomorrow at Parramatta.
I'm going to collapse again.
Fuck me dead.
Work is exhausting.

2009-06-29T01:33:00.002+10:00

My parents just bought me a new laptop.
I love it to pieces!
It's so pretty, I can't stop playing with it.
I am currently sitting in bed with it teehee.
My phone is also making me very happy.
Going to see the girls on Wednesday night at Max Brenner in Parramatta so I'm excited about that too.

But when do I get to see you?
I still don't know when and I'm scared it won't be anytime soon.

In other news, I am so broke.
I'm waiting for Wednesday to roll around.
Love payday.

I am so stressed out.
I could really do a ciggie right about now.
Too bad I've got none left.
Sigh.
I'm tired of feeling this way all the time.
Wish you'd just make it all better.

2009-06-26T22:09:00.003+10:00

Hello beautiful people!
I have a second phone and second number.
So if you are one of the special kids, I need your numbers again :)
Signed a 29$ cap plan with 3 for 12 months.
Which isn't too bad actually.
Here's hoping that my parents will never find out.
And that I don't go over my plan lol.
On the bright side, I can now go on fb on my phone!
I love that.
Work tomorrow.
Tired.

Oh and I'm so looking forward to September and October!
Defqon1, then Parklife and Godskitchen.
Speaking of, who wants to come Godskitchen with me?
It'll be fun! :)
I promise.

Come back to me.

2009-06-25T14:52:00.001+10:00

I don't know what to do to make it better for you.
You won't tell me how.
Sigh.

2009-06-24T20:25:00.002+10:00

I can't help worrying.
It's just the way I am.
It's all the little things.
I'm scared.

I feel like I'm broken.
Like I'm falling apart.
Again.
I think I must have gone through this phase a million times.
To be honest, I'm sick of feeling this way all the time.
I wish it would just all get better.
It shouldn't be this way.

2009-06-22T17:15:00.003+10:00

Sometimes I'm scared that whatever I do, it's still not good enough for you.
I feel like we're stuck on an infinite loop.
And I don't know what to do about it.
It scares me to pieces.
And maybe it's just a case of overthinking.
Maybe it's because I care way too much.
More than you think I do.
Seriously.

In other news, got back to Sydney this morning after a 2 night cruise from Brisbane.
Didn't end up getting home till like 3pm.
Far out.
I'm exhausted.
Didn't take many photos cause it rained for most of the cruise.
And for some particular reason, I kept feeling like throwing up.
So Rosa and I spent most of our time on the deck.
Where I scabbed cigarettes off random strangers.
And we ended up sitting with these two guys who bought us drinks all afternoon.
Then their workmates came along and we were just having a laugh over everything.
They were so funny and so loud, and just making absolute dickheads out of themselves when talking to the waiters lol.
I love meeting nice strangers and having full long conversations with them.
It's really nice.
Will put photos of the ship up later.
If I can be bothered.
Want to take a quick nap before dinner.
:)

2009-06-20T01:58:00.002+10:00

I miss you so much it's not even funny.
Isn't that lame?
But you know what the worst part is?
That I have no phone.
So I can't even call so I can talk to you.
Sigh.
Fuck this.
Going to bed.

2009-06-19T19:35:00.002+10:00

Freedom! :)
Just finished packing for tomorrow.
I'm excited.
Kind of.
Except it's the middle of winter.
And that takes the fun out of everything.
But it'll be relaxing.
Three days.
Just time to get away and think.
Or maybe not think.
I miss you.

2009-06-17T23:20:00.002+10:00

I hope it hasn't broken too much for me to fix it.
I hope I haven't lost too much for it to be considered useless to try.
As long as I still have that chance to fix things.
Even if it's the slimmest chance in hell.
I'm going to try my hardest.
I just want to be happy.
I just want things to be simple.
I just want things the way they used to be.
That's not too much to ask is it?

2009-06-16T00:36:00.002+10:00

I really don't like this.
I can't stand it.
And it fucking hurts.
Hurts that I don't know what to do or say to make it right.
That you won't let me know how I can.
I hate this.
I do not want to feel this way.
I want to make it better.
Just tell me how.
Please?

2009-06-14T17:39:00.002+10:00

The bruises hurt.
But you know what?
It doesn't hurt nearly enough as much as I hurt inside.
I'm such a horrible person.
I'm such a selfish bitch.
And I'm sorry.
I've said this so many times, but I do wish I was better.
I just hope that me being me is enough.

2009-06-13T16:32:00.003+10:00

I don't know what to do or say when you start to do that thing where you retreat into yourself.
It worries me and scares me.
Please don't leave me all over again.
I don't think I could handle it.
I couldn't the first time.
And I sure as hell won't be able to again.

I love you more than anything.
Did you know that?
And I'm not going to stop doing that anytime soon.
I promise.

2009-06-13T11:56:00.002+10:00

I have bruises running all down my legs.
It hurts to walk.
It hurts to sit.
It hurts to lie in my fucking bed.
But it's worth it.
Because that's how much I care.
I love you enough to be able to take it.
That's always been the way that I love you.
And I'm not going to stop just because they said so.
Just because they attempted to physically force me to.

And besides, the bruises will fade.
They'll get over it.
Life will go on.
I just don't know when yet.

2009-06-11T22:16:00.001+10:00

First exam tomorrow.
Bad feeling :(
Going to get up early to have breakfast in the City with Tom though.
And then work in the afternoon at Parramatta.
I will probably pass out from exhaustion.
I'm hoping that I know enough to at least scrape a pass for this exam.
Fingers crossed!
Wish me luck.
:(

2009-06-10T12:26:00.002+10:00

Have been in Fisher since 10am.
Have been on FB a couple of times.
But have reached 1049/2000w.
I'm proud of myself lol.
Should probably swap over and do a bit of ANHS study soon.
Don't want to fail that.
That'd be a disaster.

It is incredibly cold outside today.
So fucking windy, you would not believe.
Also, I feel like going to that Vivid Sydney thing that's on at the moment.
Just to watch the sails on the Opera House change colour and stuff.
It looks really pretty.
Wonder if I'll have time.
I'm exhausted.
Going to leave at like 3pm.
Can't stand staying any longer than that.
But tomorrow maybe stay longer haha.
But I'll probably be getting in later.
Want to pop by FN at Towers to buy something :)
I'm such a shopaholic.
But it's okay! Cause I deserve it after killing myself working on these essays.
HEHEHE.

More later kids :)

2009-06-08T22:35:00.001+10:00

You're such a sweetie! :)
I miss you.

I am despising these exams so much right now.
I am also quite irritated at my mum.
There's this grey leather bomber at FN that I wanted to get.
But she won't let me.
She said I have to "save up" a couple of weeks.
Wtf, why would I need to save up if I earn more than enough in a week to be able to get it.
Stupid loser argh.
I think I'm just quite moody and stuff lately.

I can't wait till I finish these two essays.
And exams.
Then I've got holidaysssss.
Going away for three days on a cruise on the Dawn Princess.
Fingers crossed there isn't another swine flu scare lol.
I'm excited.
Wish I had friends who were with me though :(
Oh well, next time.
Maybe I can convince mum to let me go away this Christmas?
Who wants to take me away? :)
I'll love you forever haha.

Time to stop procrastinating and get back to study now!
More later.
:)

2009-06-06T21:10:00.000+10:00

It is so fucking cold tonight.
My fingers want to drop off.
I want to just crawl into bed and sleep.
But it's way too early for that.
I need to study and work on my essays.
Sigh, exam period sucks ass.
I can't wait till it's all over!

2009-06-04T18:27:00.002+10:00

It makes me soooo relieved that uni is officially over for the semester.
You have no idea how great the feeling is.
This semester has just felt so incredibly long.
I'm so glad that it's over.
But it kind of depresses me that there's still exams and essays to do.
But it's okay.
Just two more weeks and I'm completely free for like an entire month.
That feels fucking awesome.

Two weeks until I fly up to Brisbane to get on the Dawn Princess for 3 days.
It's kind of lame because it's only a 2 night cruise.
But I would probably get bored being on there for too long anyway.
But yaaaay! :)
I'm so excited for the holidays.
I'm so ready to just go out and party or something.
Speaking of, wondering what to do for my birthday this year.
Maybe head out for a nice dinner with friends and then to a bar or something.
Though knowing me, we'll probably end up at some trashy club lol.
I think I need to reward myself after exams.

Had coffee with Jess this afternoon after our last ANHS tutorial.
Saw this really cute strapless dress with a sequinned bow on the back at Bardot.
If it's still there when exams are finished, I'm going to buy it to reward myself!
Or maybe just find a nice pair of shoes or something.
I love EOFY sales!
But no money, waiting till after exams to buy things yay.
Looking for a nice low back bodysuit though.
I hate Supre and everything, but might have a look tomorrow because they're cheap.

Going to try and aim to finish at least one of my essays by next Monday or Tuesday.
Hopefully I can do that.
Then I've got like an entire week to finish the next one as well as study for my ANHS exam on the Friday.
I hope I don't fail anything this semester.
But it's looking good so far.
I should be right :)

So excited for the holidays!

2009-06-01T20:34:00.003+10:00

Life is just a game right?
Because if that's true, then who the fuck is winning?

2009-05-31T00:02:00.001+10:00

It makes me incredibly edgy when you're not around.
Did you know that?

2009-05-30T17:51:00.002+10:00

Oh sweetheart.
I wish I was everything you thought I was.
Everything you wanted me to be.
I'm such a horrible person.
So terribly selfish.
I just can't see myself without you.

I feel inadequate.
Like I'm not good enough.

2009-05-27T18:33:00.003+10:00

Was on the bus this afternoon with Daniel and we were playing shoot, shag or marry.
LOL it was so much fun.
While I was waiting for him to finish class today I was in the Law Library working on my essay.
Couldn't find a computer though.
And fuck it annoys me when people sit at a computer and they're not logged on it.
It's like get the fuck off it, I want to use it!
Arghhhh.
Though I probably would end up like going on Facebook or something and the person sitting next to me would think the same kinds of things about me lol.

I don't think I completely realised just how soon exams are.
It's like they're just looming around the corner and I didn't pay any attention until now.
Next week is the last week of the semester, and then we've got StuVac.
I know I need to start both of my essays so I have enough time during StuVac to actually study for my english and ancient history exams.

Prove that you mean everything you say.

2009-05-25T19:21:00.004+10:00

The last couple of days have been quite eventful.
Friday night was quite fun at World Bar and Soho.
I hope Davo&Kevin had a good time! :)
Will upload photos shortly.
Mine are disgusting looking though, so maybe I won't lol.
I managed to chunder before it even hit 11pm.
I win at life (Y) LOL.

The end of the night was quite traumatic for me.
I don't know anything anymore.
I know I need to completely sort out myself and make up my mind.
It's so hard, but it has to be done.
It just scares me, that's all.
I don't want to make a mistake and lose you forever.
But what if this is just the beginning?
What if it can only get worse?
I don't want to stay if I'm only going to be hurt again.
IDK.

Worked all weekend.
Worked this afternoon at Parra as well.
Exhausted.
I realised that I have so much ENGL1002 stuff to catch up on.
I think I haven't been to a lecture in about a month.
Fuck.
Exams are coming up and I really need to start revising.
On top of that, I've got the two final essays for my two GCST subjects due.
And ANHS won't be an easy exam, I can tell.
Uni sucks major ball sacks.

ps. EMILY I WANT MY MAKEUP BACK! :(

2009-05-20T22:56:00.000+10:00

Finally finished!
I feel great.
Nothing due till June 15th.
But I should get started on the other two.
Considering they're both due on the same day.
And they're both worth 40%.
That will kill me when the time comes.
But for now, I'm going to enjoy tonight.
And tomorrow.
And Friday night.
Hell yes!
I deserve a good night out :)

2009-05-20T15:32:00.002+10:00

So here I am again.
Sitting in the law library blogging.
Attempting to work on my ANHS essay that I need to finish for tomorrow.
So I can go and hand it in.
Working at FN Parra on Friday all day.
Going to be absolutely exhausted.
Especially because I'm not planning to head home at all.
Probably just get changed and go to Emily's house or something.

Have this massive headache so can't think of anything at all.
But I think I've almost hit 1000 words.
Only 500 more to go for tomorrow.
Sighhh.
I hate uni soooo much!
And I haven't done my readings for my youth cultures tutorial.
Which is in like twenty minutes lol oops.
Probably just sit in there for like an hour and then leave.
And go home and nap for a bit.
I feel like crap :(

Hopefully I finish this essay early tomorrow.
Might head into the city a little bit earlier and have lunch with Tom.
That'll be nice.

Things are nice at the moment.
It scares me though.
Because sometimes it almost feels like I'm just waiting for things to fuck up again.
That's horrid isn't it?
It's like I can't appreciate the good things in my life because I'm constantly worried that things will all turn to shit again.
Oh well.
Expect nothing and be surprised I guess.

Need to go work on this fucking essay now :(
FUCK YOU USYD!
The law library is incredibly pretty though! :)

2009-05-19T20:38:00.004+10:00

New layout because it's so pretty.
Not that I am condoning smoking.
Not at all lol.
It's artistic!
I changed the image because I found a prettier one of her.
HEHE! :)

I have decided that I'm not going to attend BSXC on Thursday night.
I've also decided that I am going to aim for 1100 words for my essay tonight.
But I probably won't make that.
I'll be lucky to hit 700 to be honest.
But need to finish soon.
Oh and no ANHS tutorial this week so I have till Thursday morning to finish it.
Then go in to Uni and hand it in.
Yaaaay!

Then Davo&Kevin's 19th this Friday at World Bar and Soho.
I'm so excited!
Thank god though, I've been so bored sitting at home all the time.
I really really need a good night out.
With lots of alcohol.
I love my friends!
:)

2009-05-18T21:11:00.002+10:00

Worked at FN at Parra today.
I'm exhausted.
Oh well, more moneys for me!
I'm excited about Davo&Kevin's at Soho this Friday :)
Should be good fun.
I'm all for the teapots at World Bar beforehand.
And 5$ drinks all night.
Hell yeah.

Want to buy a new pair of shoes from work.
And a new wallet.
Hmmm.
I spend way too much of my pay just back on stuff at work.
Boo.
Who wants to spend their money on me? :)
Lol.

Need to finish this fucking ANHS essay.
It's due on Friday.
But because I have work all day, I need to finish by Thursday.
Siiiigh.
Uni is so fucking lame.
I can't wait till the holidays!

2009-05-16T21:53:00.003+10:00

I think I let things get to me way too easily.
Everything seems to frustrate me lately.
Fuck.
I can't stand not knowing.
I can't take it.
I don't know why everybody irritates me so much lately.
I wish some people would just make up their fucking mind.
Argh.

I miss you!
You always make me feel better.
:(

2009-05-16T00:10:00.002+10:00

My parents are so fucked up!
They annoy me so bad.
Fucking hell.

Why is everybody so fucking annoying?
So fucking irritating.
And so fucking stupid.
God.
I can't stand it.

2009-05-15T20:03:00.003+10:00

Jay's voice makes me swoon.
He's gorgeous.
And so gay.

Work was incredibly long today.
But lots of girls tried on my black sequin top today cause they liked it on me :)
I should wear it more often lol.
I'm exhausted!

In other news, Tom made me chocolates.
What a sweetie! :)
I let Amanda and Tammara have one each at work today.
Lol I'm meeting Lauren in like fifteen minutes.
Probably going to be late because mum can't be fucked to take me.
Wants me to wait till dad gets home.
Sigh lazy asian woman.

2009-05-14T20:10:00.001+10:00

Some people are so fucking frustrating.
Ugh.
I think I just get irritated too easily.
But still!

as;dklghadklf!

2009-05-14T18:58:00.002+10:00

Went through my old emails just then.
Don't think I ever completely realised just how many memories I had buried deep in the midst of all my payslips (lol).
Even more so the things that I've pushed to the back of my mind.
Found a bunch of emails from way back when Thilo had just left Sydney and we were emailing each other back and forth.
Just wow.
I can't remember writing some of those things.
Is it possible to feel so much at such a young age?
How much of it is real?
And how much of it is just me being a naive seventeen year old?
Haha young love.
It's such a sweet sweet thing!

Speaking of love, I came home today and fell in love with Jay Brannan.
He's got such a sweet singing voice!
Going to rent Shortbus this weekend so I can watch him making out with boys LOL.
Yaaaay! :)

I think I'm getting better.
Also, no uni tomorrow, so even better.
Work and then finally going to hit the RSL with Lauren for some drinks.
Lovely lovely.
Still need to finish my essay though hey.
I hate uni so much!

2009-05-14T01:08:00.002+10:00

Wow, I can't imagine myself without you now.
It's so strange.
Life weirds me out sometimes.
Just how easily someone can influence you.
How easily they can get under your skin.
Become part of you.
I don't know.
It's actually kind of nice?
But scares me too lol.

I went into work this morning to buy that new sequinned black tank top.
It's sooooo pretty!
And bought two new rings and a necklace.
I love jewellery.
It's because Vanessa said we have to wear 3 items of jewellery now.
Blah.
I need to stock up on more clothes from work.
I'm running out since new stock is coming in.
Yaaaay! New clothes!
Running out of money though :(

Saw the doctor today.
He said what I have is probably just viral.
And I should be fine in no time.
LOL got home and told mum I didn't have swine flu.
She's hilarious.
I'm exhausted from coughing my lungs up all the time.
Gross.
I hate being sick.
And to think, I was only sick like last week!
Fuck me, I hate this so much! :(

2009-05-12T23:06:00.002+10:00

I am dying.
Lucky for me, I'm seeing the Uni doctor tomorrow.
Mum thinks I have Swine Flu LOL!

I also can't stop listening to this on Youtube.
It is absolutely gorgeous!
God, I love good music.

Enjoy!
:)

2009-05-11T19:49:00.001+10:00

I have a sore throat :(
I think I'm catching something.
Fuck.
Not now.
I have an ENGL1002 essay due tomorrow.
And then an ANHS1600 essay due next Friday! :(
But Davo&Kevin's birthday at Soho is on next Friday, so I need to get it done beforehand.
Still wondering if I should go to BSXC.
IDK!
Je deteste essaying! :@

Love me like the world is ending - Ben Lee

2009-05-10T18:26:00.003+10:00

This is the first day of the future,
And all I want is you.
I wear a pair of socks you left here.
But I know, I know, I know nobody could ever fill your shoes.
I can't see so clearly when your smoke gets in my eyes.
Please me with your promises and hurt me with your lies.
Baby can you hear the message I am sending?
Love me like the world is ending.

2009-05-08T22:38:00.002+10:00

I can still smell you.
In my room.
In my sheets.
I don't want it to go away.

2009-05-07T22:17:00.002+10:00

My parents annoy me.
I want to move out.
That is all.

Oh and, you're so lovely!
:)

2009-05-06T15:33:00.003+10:00

I'm such an emotional wreck these days.
Everything's so messy.
And I'm sorry if I've had a go at you because I'm in a bad mood.
I don't mean to!
Sometimes I feel like I'm unaware of what I'm doing.
Like I'm just someone standing on the sidelines.
Observing all the chaos that's happening.
And incapable of stopping it.
It's like watching a building crumbling before your eyes and knowing that you have nothing in your power to stop it.
That's what it feels like.

I'm quite emotionally retarded I think.
I'd like to blame all of that on my current state of mind.
As well as my parents for bringing me up the way that they have.
But I know that ultimately, I'm the one who's making this way more complicated than it should be.

I didn't sleep till like 2am last night.
Just thinking about things.
You're so good to me.
You're such a sweetie.
You're everything that I want.
But at the same time, I'm kind of afraid of how all this is going to end up.
Maybe I'm not as ready as I thought I was?
I just want some confirmation as to where this is going.
That's all.

ps. I'm sitting in the new law library blogging.
LOL supposed to be doing my youth cultures readings.
But fuck me, they are boring haha.
This is so much more fun lol.
Yaaay.
Class in fifteen minutes though :(
Boo.
I hate uni sooooo much!

2009-05-05T21:37:00.002+10:00

I slept in again today.
Lol oops.
Stayed up way too late reading It by Stephen King.
Ohmygod, scared the shit out of me.
I still haven't finished.
But I was seriously too scared to leave my room to shower.
But couldn't stop reading it cause it's just so good.

Anyway, Tom ripped a hole in the crotch of his pants from jumping on a ram.
LOLOL.
I thought that was hilarious.
Couldn't stop laughing.

Still in a bit of an irritable mood though.
But it's okay.
I'll get over it.
Give it a day or so.
I did have a good afternoon though!
:)

2009-05-03T01:20:00.003+10:00

So I lied.
I couldn't resist coming back.
I am just so fed up with everything.
There's nothing worth being this miserable over.
Seriously.

So okay maybe I'm a little hormonal and edgy at the moment.
And maybe I'll wake up tomorrow morning and read this and realise how ridiculous I sound.
But fuck.
I hate being like this.
Feeling like this.
It's not even that big a deal.

2009-05-03T00:59:00.003+10:00

Maybe I want this so much I've fooled myself into believing that you care more than you do.
When I'm pretty sure that's not the case.
I do want this a lot.
But I don't think you want the same thing I do.

It's 1am.
I'm going to go to bed instead of sitting up thinking about stupid things.
Good idea that.
Night.

2009-05-02T21:42:00.002+10:00

Alastair from ANHS department emailed me back today.
He was so lovely about it and everything.
So I'm going to get an alternate date for my exam.
Thank god :)
Now I'm excited about the holidays that seem just around the corner.
Although, I need to start my essays soon.
And then start thinking about topics for both of my gender studies final essays.
So much to do!

It's freezing tonight.
I've had a cup of tea and some biscuits while watching Reality Bites.
Winona Ryder is so beautiful.
And Ethan Hawke plays that brooding bad boy so well!
Swoon.
Must be something about that kind of boy that gets me.
I cried :(
I'm such a sucker.
I love bad boys!

I have cramps.
I'm cranky and irritable right now.
You should be here making me feel better.
Please?

2009-05-01T21:29:00.002+10:00

I didn't get to rant about the new Wolverine film yet.
Daniel Henney is in it!
He plays Agent Zero.
He is so fucking gorgeous.
Throughout the entire parts of the film where he showed up, I couldn't shut up.
LOL.
So gorgeous, why can't every Asian boy look like him?
But I suppose he does have an unfair advantage in that he's only half Korean and half white.
Can't remember what though.
Whatevs. Unimportant.
Daniel Henney is just fucking amazinggggg! :):)

Worked today.
Working all weekend.
I'm so exhausted.
Only got about 4 hours of sleep last night.
Woke up late and was about half an hour late to work.
Oops.
Lucky for me, Amanda's so lenient.
And also lucky for me, Amanda always has ciggies LOL win.

It's an incredibly slow night tonight.
I'm bored.
I should probably catch up on the numerous ENGL1002 lectures that I've skipped.
But at the moment, I just can't be assed.
The draft timetable for exams also came out.
I've only got two exams this semester because my two gender studies subjects have final essays (which are due on the same day actually, fuck my life).
But the two exams are on consecutive days, and it just so happens that my second exam is on the morning of the day that I'm leaving for Brisbane to hop onto the Dawn Princess for a cruise.
So I've emailed the ANHS department to request for an alternate exam time.
Hopefully I get that :(
I don't want to miss the cruise.
I will kill myself lol.

ALSO, THE FUCKING STRIKE THAT WAS MEANT TO BE ON ON TUESDAY HAS BEEN CALLED OFF!
:@
Lmao, I'm such a whingey bitch.
I want to kill whoever decided to call it off.
Wankers.
Fucking useless uni.
I hate life lol.

ps. Tom broke his foot.
Poor thing!

2009-04-29T20:28:00.002+10:00

It is so fucking cold right now.
At least I went and finally bought myself a Bonds sloppy joe!
Skipped my youth cultures tutorial this afternoon in favour of going shopping with Emily.
It was totally worth it.
I love Emily! :)

I have tomorrow off because my ancient history tutorial isn't on this week.
I have Friday off as per usual.
But I'm working Friday, Saturday and Sunday this week.
Which is great because that means I'm making more money.
Win.
Oh and next Tuesday apparently the entire academic board at USyd is going on strike.
So that's an entire day off Uni.
Fuck I love days off.
Oh and I need new winter clothes.
More coats, more boots, more scarves.
I love winter!

2009-04-27T21:29:00.002+10:00

Gotta love 3D glasses! :)
Fuck I'm having a good day.

And lol I opened my GCST2607 reader earlier.
Guess what the topic for this week is?
Pornography.
It's going to be an interesting lecture tomorrow morning, definitely.
HAHA.

I also finally downloaded the new Windows Live Messenger.
It's quite pretty and not too bad to use.
I don't think I mind it as much as I thought I would.

In other news, it's Amanda's birthday this Saturday.
I don't think mummy's going to let me go :(
It's at Establishment.
I don't even know where that is.
But I want to be there!
Sigh.
I hate being grounded.
Really should stop smoking huh?
I'm working on it.
I promise!

2009-04-27T17:11:00.001+10:00

I watched Monsters VS. Aliens today after I finished Uni.
It was good fun.
3D glasses and everything!
Hilarious.
Today was a really nice day :)
I also went to my ENGL1002 tutorial to do my debate for Shakespeare's play Cymbeline.
Jess, one of the girls is such a sweetie.
She bought Robyn and I hot chocolates!
Sigh, some people are just so so so so lovely.
I hope this week is nice.
It's started off pretty great though.
And it can only get better right?
:)

More later.

2009-04-26T23:40:00.000+10:00

I can't help being this way.
I feel like a bratty princess.
And I don't want to be that.
But I'm tired.
So tired of waiting.
But that's all I can do isn't it?
Just wait for you to decide.
Wait for you to make up your mind.
All the same, I wish you'd pick up the pace.

2009-04-26T17:59:00.000+10:00

"I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best."
Marilyn Monroe